Farewell, little bitch

I need a dog,
that doesn't bark at 0530 early morning everyday.
that doesn't poop.
that doesn't use it's nail and scratch it's owner's leg to scars.
that has a super pinchable cheeks.
that has a grey or green coloured eyes.
that speaks chinese.
that delivers newpapers to the owner.
that sings.
that can sit and play dead and jump and stay.

toobad, the puppy above doesn't have what it takes to be my pet.
therefore, it's gone now.